Permanent Blocking of The Internet

(Sent this to some staff today had to share it LOL) IT Dept Notice 4/1/2016From: Network Engineer Due to the growing number of viruses and general garbage on the internet, not to the mention the unrelenting stress caused by the internet, I have come to the conclusion that we will have to block the internet permanently. With the internet blocked, our lives should return to normal, and we should see a drastic increase in tee time meetings on the golf course. (Expect beverage cart sales to EXPLODE!) With this new solution we will get a lot of exercise so the health benefits are immeasurable. What Will Be Blocked?·         The internet, it’s a sucky pain in the rear and we should have blocked it a long time ago. What can we expect as the results of the internet being blocked?·         Wide Spread Panic, Nausea, Diarrhea, possible vomiting and minor heart failure.·         Some users may hyper-ventilate due to Facebook and Snap Chat withdrawal.It is possible that a few users may throw themselves in front of a bus, or jump out a nearby window. (For this reason I suggest we cancel all buses in the area of any of our locations and ensure we lock all windows above the first floor.)·         Protest is most likely and I will ensure I contact the HR department on the ramifications of renting Tasers and or dousing employees with a firehose. (Please ensure if we do acquire both DO NOT USE THE TASER AND THE FIREHOSE AT THE SAME TIME! This will result in a very crispy employee!)·         Vandalism is also most likely possible as the fallout of the protesters it is quite reasonable that the IT Dept can expect denigrating graffiti on all of our offices, computers, cars etc. For this reason I highly suggest we do not come to work for at least the next 365 days or until the situation calms down.·         Food fights may also play a serous role in this decision so I will ensure that we announce this after the lunch break. I will also speak to food and beverage and ensure that only soft foods are served on that day as well as the banning of all hard boiled eggs and lobsters.·         Worker productivity is expected to increase by about 95%!·         Weight Loss, this will be normal due to the running back and forth. If our employees start to show signs of malnutrition I will employ some carrier pigeons to take over.·         ID10T Errors should be greatly reduced however expect several PIBCAK errors as senior users attempt to access the internet to no avail.·         Due to the fact that controlling access to the internet for users given a tablet and or smartphone is not possible at this time off property, we will have to collect all these devices and throw them in the shredder. Any employee who was equipped with a smart phone or tablet will be given an Etch and Sketch. How will we continue to do business without the internet?·         It’s called a telephone, we can expect a surge of growth in the call center.·         Snail Mail, (Please remember to stock up on envelopes and snails)·         All computers and servers and all internal systems will continue to have power and suck back tons of power, however all network cables will be removed and sold for scrap. ·         All current applications will cease to function,  so just remember you can’t use them anymore.·         Notepad and calculator will continue to function.·         The IT Dept will be purchasing 400 external USB floppy disks and 4000 1.44MB Floppy’s to be distributed between all users.·         The IT Dept is looking at partnering with Nike Shoes ( Or Reebok) as we develop our Sneaker NET.·         All printers will be repurposed as door stops and boat anchors, we will be hiring a team of stenographers.·         Any customer looking for internet access should be immediately walked off of the property and permanently banned. (Ensure we post pictures of these people in the front lobby to deter other customers from asking for internet access.)·         The camera system will also cease to function however we will keep the little red light on them blinking so everyone thinks there still working.·         Credit and Debit transaction will be completed at end of day as usual however the data will need to be transferred via floppy disk and snail mail. (Important transaction may be transferred via carrier pigeon). Deployment Please scroll down for the deployment date and your duties required.                APRIL FOOLS!!!!! :PDOH!  

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